By Kirstie Vesseur, Registered Clinical Nutritionist (CNA), Legacy Nutrition, NZ and Australia.
Some seasons ask more of you than you have. You might be caring for a parent who is unwell, holding things together at work while running on empty, lying awake with your mind going round like a rat on a wheel, or pregnant and trying to stay calm for two. You keep showing up. And at the end of the day there is nothing left for you.
Here's what I want you to know: you don't need more willpower. Your nervous system needs a way to close the day. Below is a simple daily rhythm, the meditations I'd reach for in each moment, and affirmations to lean on when your own words run out.
Why carrying other people's load drains you
Caring is good, human work. But when you carry someone else's pain day after day with no real break, your body treats it as ongoing stress. Many people call this compassion fatigue: the tired, numb, short-fused feeling that creeps in when you give and give without refilling.
What it does to your body
Sleep is often the first thing to go. A meta-analysis of 35 studies found that family carers of people with dementia slept the equivalent of about 2.5 to 3.5 hours less each week than people of a similar age who weren't caring, and rated their sleep quality as clearly worse. The hopeful part: carers who took part in sleep programmes reported better sleep quality (Gao et al., 2019).
Ongoing stress also talks to your gut and your hormones, through the gut-brain connection and your stress-hormone (HPA) system. When your body rarely gets the "you're safe now" signal, it can show up as an unsettled gut, cravings, changes to your cycle, a short fuse, or waking at 3am. If that last one sounds familiar, read Why do I wake up at 3am?
Why kindness to yourself matters
It's tempting to think you just need to toughen up. The research leans the other way. Early studies in family carers suggest self-compassion, treating yourself with the kindness you'd give a friend, may help carers cope and feel less burdened, although the evidence is still small (Murfield et al., 2020). If you wonder why stress seems to hit you harder than others, Why am I so sensitive to stress? goes deeper.
A simple daily rhythm to close the day
Think of your capacity as a cup, not a well. A well feels endless. A cup has edges. You can only pour from what is in it, and it needs refilling every day, not once a year on holiday. This rhythm takes 15 to 30 minutes across the whole day.
Morning: read 2 or 3 affirmations
Before you pick up your phone, read two or three affirmations from the list below. Choose ones that feel true enough to believe. One well-known study found that big positive statements that clash with how you feel can backfire for people with low self-esteem (Wood et al., 2009), so pick words that sound like a kind friend, not a slogan.
Before a hard day: 3 slow breaths
Take three slow breaths, letting the out-breath be longer than the in-breath. Try in for a count of four, out for a count of six. A meta-analysis of 223 studies found slow breathing increases heart rate variability linked to the vagus nerve, a marker of your calming (parasympathetic) system, both during practice and after regular practice (Laborde et al., 2022). In a small randomised trial, five minutes a day of "cyclic sighing", a breath that emphasises long exhales, improved mood more than mindfulness meditation (Balban et al., 2023).
After the day: wash it off
When you get home or finish your caring shift, have a shower and picture the day running down the drain. Quietly say: "This is their story to carry, not mine." This isn't about caring less. It's about putting down what was never yours to hold, so you can pick up your own life again. Then do a short closing meditation from the list below.
Night: let your body down gently
In bed, try yoga nidra or binaural beats. In a study of over 700 adults, an 11-minute yoga nidra recording practised daily for 30 days led to small improvements in stress, sleep quality and well-being compared with a waitlist group (Moszeik et al., 2022). The evidence for binaural beats is more mixed. A 2023 systematic review found only five of 14 studies showed the brainwave changes binaural beats are said to cause (Ingendoh et al., 2023). If you find them soothing, use them, but don't expect them to fix sleep on their own.
From 28 weeks of pregnancy, do lying-down practices on your side, in line with New Zealand's "sleep on side" advice.
Meditations for your moment
Each link opens on YouTube in a new tab.
When you need to protect your energy
Protect Your Energy (Bubble-Up): 5 minutes, perfect in the parked car before you walk in.
Protect Your Energy (10 min): a longer reset after a draining visit or meeting.
When you're carrying someone else
Release Stress and Reconnect to Yourself: written for nurses, it suits anyone in a caring role.
Self-Compassion in Difficult Situations: for the days you're hardest on yourself.
RAIN and Grieving with Tara Brach: for grief, including the slow grief of watching someone you love decline.
When your mind won't stop
Calm Racing Thoughts: 10 minutes for the rat-on-a-wheel nights.
For sleep
Yoga Nidra for Bedtime: 20 minutes, done lying down.
3Hz Delta Binaural Beats: binaural beats need headphones to work. Keep the volume low.
When you're pregnant and stressed
Pregnancy Meditation with Affirmations: 10 minutes of calm for you and baby.
A note on Transcendental Meditation
Transcendental Meditation (TM) can't be learnt from a video. It's taught one to one by a certified teacher, starting with a free introductory talk. You can find one at tm.org.nz.
Affirmations to protect your energy
Protecting my energy
My energy is precious, and I'm allowed to protect it.
I can care deeply without carrying everything.
Rest is part of the work, not a reward for finishing it.
Caring for someone I love
My presence is enough.
I'm doing my best with what I have today.
Loving them includes looking after me.
Anxiety and overwhelm
I notice the wheel spinning. I can step off.
I only need to do the next small thing.
This feeling is loud, but it will pass.
Difficult people
Their reaction is about their fear, not my worth.
I can listen without absorbing.
I'm allowed to end the conversation.
The hardest days
If I get it wrong, I can repair it.
Today I'm getting through, and that counts.
I can ask for help. I don't have to do this alone.
Get help sooner rather than later
These practices support you. They don't replace support. If you're not sleeping, not coping or feeling hopeless, talk to someone. In New Zealand, free call or text 1737 any time to talk with a trained counsellor, and call 111 in an emergency. In Australia, call Lifeline on 13 11 14, or 000 in an emergency. If you're pregnant, tell your midwife or GP how you're feeling. Anxiety in pregnancy is common, and help is available.
References
- Gao C, Chapagain NY, Scullin MK. Sleep duration and sleep quality in caregivers of patients with dementia: a systematic review and meta-analysis. JAMA Netw Open. 2019;2(8):e199891.
- Murfield J, Moyle W, Jones C, O'Donovan A. Self-compassion, health outcomes, and family carers of older adults: an integrative review. Clin Gerontol. 2020;43(5):485-498.
- Wood JV, Perunovic WQE, Lee JW. Positive self-statements: power for some, peril for others. Psychol Sci. 2009;20(7):860-866.
- Laborde S, Allen MS, Borges U, et al. Effects of voluntary slow breathing on heart rate and heart rate variability: a systematic review and a meta-analysis. Neurosci Biobehav Rev. 2022;138:104711.
- Balban MY, Neri E, Kogon MM, et al. Brief structured respiration practices enhance mood and reduce physiological arousal. Cell Rep Med. 2023;4(1):100895.
- Moszeik EN, von Oertzen T, Renner KH. Effectiveness of a short Yoga Nidra meditation on stress, sleep, and well-being in a large and diverse sample. Curr Psychol. 2022;41:5272-5286.
- Ingendoh RM, Posny ES, Heine A. Binaural beats to entrain the brain? A systematic review of the effects of binaural beat stimulation on brain oscillatory activity. PLoS One. 2023;18(5):e0286023.
